The Exploration Most Coaches Miss
Photo by Noem via Unsplash.
This past week, I led the first webinar of the Guest Faculty Conversation series for The School for Humaning Well®. It was a beautiful conversation with Dr. Amy Johnson and Dan Kelso where we explored identity, direct perception, and what becomes possible in life and love when we see beyond the concept of "me". (If you missed it, you can watch it here.)
One of the things Dan spoke to was how identity is reconstructed moment-to-moment—and how much of our time, effort, and energy is absorbed in this ongoing creation of a self.
I loved this conversation because it isn't one most coaches explore. I certainly didn't when I first started my work. I wanted all the tips and tricks for how to make money, build confidence, and be a better coach. I was coming from the place of forming an identity. I wanted to be a good, successful coach. I thought that was the path to freedom.
It wasn't.
Did I make money? Yes. Did I build skill? Yes. Did I gain experience in the process? Yes.
Did that bring me a level of freedom? On one hand, yes. On the other, it pulled me further from what I was truly longing for.
This is because identity—all identities—can become a trap.
I wasn't conscious of this until I was ready to be. But even before that awareness, there were consequences to the fixation on, and perpetual reconstruction of, being a good, successful coach.
Daily comparison with other coaches. Sometimes I came out ahead, sometimes others did, and self-judgment followed either way. Obsession with my bank account; if the number wasn't going up, something was very wrong. Working seven days a week. An inability to rest. Even on vacation, I'd feel pulled to check email or dream up a new offering. There was a sense that more was needed—almost always.
There was also a level of anxiety and fear moving through my system that I couldn't yet see. My strategy of more (ambition, intensity, “be the best”) overrode it. But the impact was still there. Digestive issues. Rigidity patterns. Keeping myself distant and guarded—even in my most intimate relationships.
It was as if my life depended on my coaching practice. And I lived this way for years.
About two and a half years ago, the identification with that identity began to crumble. As I've shared before, this was painful at first. Letting go often is. But that's also where the magic resides. When we truly see through unconscious, limiting patterns, we feel the relief of that. We discover the felt sense of freedom we've been searching for.
I'm still a coach. I'm still in the same role, doing the same work. The difference is that the grip of this being who I am—and all I am—has loosened a great deal. So much so that it doesn't even feel like I'm the one doing the coaching. It's become so much easier to feel life's nudges and follow them. To let life live and lead “me.” Some days that looks like resting because the body is extra tired, even when that doesn't make sense because of a deadline. Other times it looks like working late on a Sunday.
What I notice most is the space that's opened inside. There's so much less pressure, and so much more room to play, be, and truly live. Not as a workhorse or an always performing self.
We've been thinking life is up to us, but that's merely a trick of the mind. It loves to take credit for everything we do. But what if life has been doing us the whole time?
We aren't beating our hearts. We aren't digesting our food. We aren't even breathing our breath. Life is doing all of that on it's own.
That's the divine intelligence we're part of. That's what we're surrendering into. And the expansion, infinite creativity, and unending resourcing available from that place is breathtaking. It brings tears to my eyes. If the beauty, kindness, and loving that is our nature—that is here in this very moment—were truly recognized, we would all have tears in our eyes.
But it goes unrecognized because of the layers and layers of identity added over true nature. We believe we're separate. The moment we do, there's a “me” to protect and defend. And anyone who perceives differently becomes a threat...an other.
The inner divide creates the outer divide.
It doesn't have to be this way. As coaches, we're in a unique position to bring a shift in consciousness to the planet. The impact of our work can be so much more than helping people create the life of their dreams. I say this without judgment; that work can be very important. And there's so much more available—if we open our hearts and look in the direction I'm pointing to here.
If life were living you, would there be as much on the line in your business? Would it feel as personal when someone says no? Or yes? Would you worry less about doing things the right way? Would you have more fun?
My experience is that everything has become more fun. Who doesn't want that?
If you do, the good news is that you don't have to figure this out. You don't have to dismantle the identity or engineer the freedom. You simply have to be willing to look in this direction.
Life will do the rest. It always has.
If you'd like some guidance along the way, the Guest Faculty Conversation series is a fantastic start. If you missed the first conversation with Amy and Dan—or want to revisit it—you can watch the replay here. I hope you'll join us for the next two as well (details here). Each session is free, and offers a different doorway into the same recognition.
With loving,
Amber
P.S. Enrollment is open for The School for Humaning Well®—a six-month journey into exactly this kind of exploration, from the inside out. If you enroll by October 31st, you'll receive The Pre-School Gathering Sessions: two 75-minute group calls (November 11 and December 9), plus a private 60-minute session with me to use anytime before May 2027. You can explore the school here or reply to schedule a conversation.
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