Why You Don’t Always Do What You “Should”
This season has a way of activating us, doesn't it?
As Ram Dass said, “If you think you're enlightened, spend a week with your family.”
He's not wrong.
As the holidays approach, our coping strategies tend to dial up:
more scrolling, more eating, more drinking, more worrying, more overthinking, more “just one more thing before I rest.”
It's not because we're flawed.
It's because our nervous system is doing what it's designed to do—trying to keep us safe.
Recently, I was a guest on the Holly Perkins Health podcast, where we explored this exact dynamic:
Why we don't always do what we “know” we should do—and why we sometimes do the very thing we swore we wouldn't.
Before I share the episode with you, I want to share what surfaced for me right after we recorded… because it illustrates the whole conversation in real time.
A Middle-of-the-Night Survival Response
The night after recording with Holly, I woke up suddenly at 2am—my mind racing.
Did I say that?
I wish I'd said this instead.
What if I sounded like an idiot? What if no one understands what I was talking about?
I should reach out to Holly and ask to re-record the interview.
That's usually where I first notice dysregulation:
in my mind.
A flurry of rumination, problem-solving, trying to figure out the “right” thing so I can feel safe again.
But as soon as I recognized what was happening, oh… I'm dysregulated, everything shifted.
I saw that my nervous system was perceiving a threat—not because anything was wrong in my physical environment, but because something inside me felt exposed, unpolished, vulnerable.
There was an urge to reach out to Holly immediately. My mind was certain this was the solution—that re-doing our conversation would fix how I was feeling and help me come off 'better' in some way.
The urge wasn't random; it was my system trying to return to what has historically felt safe:
being understood, being put together, being “right.”
But instead of acting on the urge, I turned toward it and got curious.
I noticed what was happening in my system.
My mind was spinning.
That was easy to see.
As I dropped deeper, I felt my heart beating faster.
My breath picking up.
A tightness in my belly.
Then, a wash of shame.
The feeling of I'm bad. I'm misunderstood. It's not safe to be messy.
And as I let the shame move through—tears and all—something softened.
My system started to regulate.
My mind settled.
The urge dissolved… naturally.
The experience moved me from the personal—I am this unsafe feeling—to the impersonal—I am the space this feeling moves through.
Can you feel the difference between these?
In the personal, it's like we're a snowflake swirling inside a shaken snow globe—small, reactive, trying to brace for impact because everything can feel like a threat.
But as we stay with our experience, we often reconnect to the impersonal, universal truth:
we are the glass globe that holds the snow and cityscape in place.
We aren't the experience.
We are the container that houses the experience.
When we live into this, our world radically shifts because nothing is a threat.
See if you can get a feel for that.
Because moving in this direction is how urges naturally unwind—not through willpower or effort, but through awareness, compassion, and contact with the body's truth (what's happening in direct experience, not just our mind).
You may or may not be surprised to know that after the stirred-up energy moved through and my system settled, I was able to get back to sleep.
In the past, that would not have been the case. Something like this could've derailed me for days—because my anxiety would've been trying to solve for a problem “out there” that didn't really exist.
The opportunity was to meet what my system perceived as a threat—the fear that I would be misunderstood and how that could hurt me. Once I let that move, the whole situation dissolved.
This story is a real-time example of the very thing Holly and I discussed.
Why We Don't Always Do What We “Should”
In the podcast, Holly and I explore why 95% of our actions are driven by subconscious patterns—old, well-worn survival strategies formed in childhood.
Your nervous system is always trying to keep you safe…
even if the strategy looks like avoidance, overeating, overdrinking, overworking, people-pleasing, or procrastination.
This is especially true during the holidays, when emotions run high and old patterns surface easily.
And self-compassion—not discipline/control—is what actually restores choice.
→ Listen to the full episode here:
Understanding Your Subconscious: Why Women Struggle With Health Choices (And How to Stop)
If you've ever wondered why you know what to do…
and do something else instead—
this episode will help you see what's really going on under the surface.
It's human.
It's normal.
And it's workable.
Note: Holly's audience is mostly women; thus the title. And this conversation applies to all genders. If you're human, you experience urges.
As You Move Into This Holiday Season…
Be gentle.
Urges don't mean you're failing.
They're simply invitations—your system alerting you that something tender, scared, or misunderstood is asking for attention.
If you meet the urge with compassion rather than fear…
something new becomes possible.
And if you do act on the urge, that's okay too. Our system knows what we're ready for. Sometimes turning toward what's underneath the urge is simply too much to face in the moment.
There have been plenty of times when I've asked to re-record an interview, poured a second glass of wine, or reached for another slice of cake. If that happens for you, be gentle with yourself. Gentleness invites softness—and softness opens the heart and mind to greater insight. Judgment blocks.
I hope this is helpful—especially as you enter the holiday season.
With loving,
Amber
PS: If you're feeling stuck in a habit you can't seem to shift, or judging yourself for not “doing better,” reply and let's talk. This is exactly the kind of exploration we're doing inside The School for Humaning Well—not through pressure or effort, but through awareness, compassion, and nervous system wisdom.
We just had our first Pre-School Gathering, and it was beautiful. People shared why they joined—to soften long-held patterns, come home to themselves, reconnect with their bodies, feel safe again, deepen community, and live from the deeper intelligence already within them. If something in you feels drawn to this work, even quietly, you're welcome to reach out. Enrollment closes December 15th.
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