Visibility, Vulnerability & the Freedom to Be Seen
Photo by Getty Images via Unsplash
As a coach, healer, or service-based leader, you've likely felt the stretch of visibility.
That first moment you referred to yourself as a coach.
The first social media post about your work.
The first newsletter.
The first workshop you created from scratch.
Every one of those moments invites more eyes on you.
And with more eyes comes more vulnerability.
Being seen is a necessary part of success in our work.
But how comfortable are you with being seen—really seen?
My visibility looked strong on the outside…
I began my career with a certain ease in this area. My background in theater and dance helped me feel at home in front of people.
But looking back now, I can see I wasn't being fully me—I was performing a polished version of myself.
It felt authentic at the time. And it was, for where I was in my evolution.
What's clear from today's vantage point is that I had an unconscious, deep-seated need to be liked.
In my mind, if I could be seen as good, warm, generous, agreeable—then I was safe.
I used my well-honed skill of reading the room to chameleon myself into whoever I thought I needed to be in order to be loved.
This wasn't conscious. It was a sophisticated survival strategy I'd learned as a child.
And it worked…until it didn't.
If someone misunderstood me—it felt like a threat to my existence.
I would go into overdrive trying to fix it.
First came the self-judgment: I did something wrong. This is my fault.
Then the pleasing: What do I need to say or do to get back into their good graces?
Over time, this pattern became exhausting.
The blame, the resentment, the shrinking—it got too heavy to carry.
A little less than two years ago, that system finally collapsed.
It was painful.
And necessary.
What unfolded needed to happen exactly as it did, so the survival pattern could reveal itself—and healing could begin.
Here's what I've come to understand about visibility:
Visibility simply means: more eyes on you.
But those eyes belong to minds…
Minds with conditioning.
And that conditioning runs projections.
So when you become more visible, you also become a canvas for people's projections. Their hero. Their villain. Their trigger. Their inspiration.
And none of it is truly you.
I had understood this conceptually for a long time—but I didn't embody it.
Because a part of me still believed: If I'm hurt, it's because of what someone else did.
It wasn't until I looked deeper—at my patterns of over-responsibility, likability, conflict avoidance, and faux-safety—that I began to see the truth:
Our human experience comes from inside us.
And when we integrate this truth, we become free.
When you truly know where your experience comes from…
You are free to be you.
To follow your authenticity.
To let go of how you're seen—because you understand:
You can't control someone's perception of you.
Their response is based on their state of mind.
Their inner belief system.
Their conditioning.
And that has nothing to do with you.
When you really get that—not just in your mind, but in your cells—visibility becomes a non-issue.
I had a recent experience that showed me just how much has shifted.
I came across an unflattering piece of writing about a former client's experience of me.
In the past, this would've derailed me for days...weeks even.
This time I watched my mind try to stir me up. It told me I should be angry and defend myself.
But that wasn't present. My experience in the moment was that I felt spacious. That turned to compassion for the person and then dissolved from there.
Because I could see so clearly: That story is not mine. It belongs to them.
We are all stories in each other's minds.
And most people don't realize the story they're telling is coming from within.
(If you'd like to read more about projections and how they work, click here.)
Let's be clear…
This doesn't mean bad behavior gets a free pass.
Taking full responsibility for your inner experience doesn't mean you won't respond or set a boundary.
It simply means you're no longer waiting for outer justice or vindication in order to feel peace.
From that state, aligned action becomes clear—
And that action can absolutely include addressing harm or making self-honoring choices rooted in truth and love.
But now, you're no longer suffering as you do it.
You're no longer outsourcing your peace.
So I leave you with this:
If visibility has been an edge for you—beautiful.
There is so much richness here.
Yes, take the outer actions. But also look within.
If there's discomfort, it may not be about being “seen”—it may be about who you think you need to be in order to be seen.
In other words, the tension doesn't come from visibility itself, but from the pressure to perform a version of yourself you believe will keep you safe, liked, or approved of. When you see through that misunderstanding, visibility becomes neutral. Eyes on you are just eyes on you.
From that clarity, you reclaim your wholeness. You reclaim your truth.
And you just might discover: You've been free all along.
With loving,
Amber
UPCOMING EVENTS
