Trying To Be Somebody You’re Not
Photo by Pablo Merchan Montes via Unsplash.
I've been listening to Becoming Nobody by Ram Dass.
In it, he shares a story about how much time he spent trying to be somebody who wasn't going bald. Trying to be a version of himself that didn't exist—because the reality was, he was going bald.
I've spent my life trying not to be somebody with hips and cellulite.
So much time. So much energy. So much money—tens of thousands of dollars over the years—going toward efforts to improve, optimize, fix.
It started early. Growing up as a dancer, constantly in front of mirrors, constantly comparing this body to others. It was reinforced in college, when a guy I really liked described me as "thick." Deepened when an acting agent told me my upper body was "pretty good"—but could I do something about my hips and thighs?
In truth, the conditioning of improvement was already well in place by then. Optimization and perfection were strategies my mind used for years, across all sectors of my life, to build a ground of "faux" safety. Though, because those patterns were unconscious to me, they felt like true safety.
A few months ago, I felt the rush of hope flood my system when a new cellulite reduction treatment came across my social media feed.
The hope was intoxicating. My mind flashed images: smooth thighs, firm booty, a radiant woman with unabashed confidence and joy at the center of her upcoming 50th birthday celebration (happening in a few weeks!).
I fell hook, line and sinker. How could I not? This was the thing I'd been waiting for. The thing that would finally make this body feel like it was enough.
And well… it did nothing—except make a large dent in my bank account.
So when I heard Ram Dass talking about baldness, something really hit. How long was I going to play this game—trying to be somebody, or create something, that wasn't based in reality?
The truth is: I have cellulite. Period. Full stop. And if there were a way to get rid of it, I would have found it by now.
From that vantage point, a sincere question arose: What would happen if I just stopped? If I gave up trying to make myself be different?
Gulp.
Immediately, I felt the full force of resistance in my system. Shame—lifetimes of it—rising up like it might swallow me whole. The architecture my mind created around this narrative was vast. Intricate, sophisticated, and involved. Like a modern city built on a swamp foundation.
But as I stayed with each layer and let myself sink into the swamp, the energy moved and I started to see something I hadn't seen before.
The cellulite isn't the problem. It never was. That's what my mind decided was the problem—based on its habit of perfection. It had spent years building thick walls of story, collecting evidence, and reinforcing its case. Which is why it felt so true—and so easy to “fall” for an Instagram promotion.
Underneath all of that architecture was a misunderstanding: that being rid of this problem (all problems) is how to feel enough. To feel peace. To live with unabashed confidence and joy.
Here's the thing—this is actually accurate. Just not in the way the mind thinks.
The mind wants us to have those experiences, the only way it knows how—through “getting”. It concludes things are problems and points us out there for a solution. It doesn't understand that what it's seeking can never be found by attaining something new. That enoughness, peace, confidence, joy are never contingent on something changing. They can always, and only ever, be found in the direct experience of now.
I want to pause here, because the mind usually protests with something like:
Isn't that settling? Are you saying I shouldn't have what I want and desire?
No. That's not what I'm saying.
The story of settling is actually another strategy—a way the mind keeps the architecture of faux safety intact. A way to stay motivated by fear without recognizing it as such.
What I'm pointing to is something more nuanced. Staying in the game of trying to get something—a smoother body, a full head of hair, a vacation home, a relationship, a child—so that you can finally feel whole, only reinforces the illusion that the experience you most want is out there somewhere, waiting to be attained.
It isn't. It never was. It never will be.
Now here's what's remarkable: when you move out of attain/resist mode and into acceptance of reality—genuine, radical acceptance—you can actually feel the experience you've been seeking all along. The peace, the joy, the confidence, the enoughness. All of it, here. Nothing required to have it. That is the amazing gift of our true nature.
Within an instant, the architecture that felt so real and true crumbles—like the Tropicana Casino demolition featured in the show, Hacks. What looked solid, disappears. And what's left in its place is space. Lightness. Openness.
All that energy that was holding up the false narrative releases—and becomes available for something else entirely. Something more. More fulfilling. More alive. From this place, desires don't disappear. They purify. What you create, you create from wholeness rather than fear—with far less noise on the channel, and far more joy.
This is liberation. And it's genuinely exhilarating.
I'm almost 50. And I'm only just now seeing this pattern with incredible clarity. The filter of there is something wrong has quietly run every aspect of my life. It aimed for perfection, but that could never be reached because there was always something that could be better.
I've been aware of the something wrong pattern for a while—but more from a mental understanding. At first, I fought it by trying to switch my mindset to focus on something “right”. But that never lasted. Then I resigned myself to the idea that this pattern was who I am. That it was a concrete part of my personality.
What I'm seeing today blows that idea out of the water. This pattern isn't who I am. It's simply a mental habit. A well-honed and well-used coping strategy my system created to keep me safe. But that is false safety. I have felt true safety—and it isn't conditional in any way.
This isn't easy to put into words. My experience right now is one of seeing the pattern in real time and letting it go. I can see the filter of "wrong" in the moment and remember that that's not truth. It's as if the world of the filter is black and white—and I have opened up to an amazing land of color. So when the black and white filter covers the color, I see it. Without effort. And in that seeing, the color naturally returns.
Without a doubt something is peeling away. I feel like I'm seeing life more as it is. Kind. Awe-some—and even moves me to tears as I write this.
That is at the heart of existence. All existence. No exceptions.
The only way to know this—really know it, in the body, not just as a concept—is to enter the architecture and sink into the swamp. To stop trying to escape it and let it take you. Just when you think you won't survive, a world beyond your mind's wildest dreams reveals itself.
The cost of entry is an open heart toward the story you've been trying to change all your life.
This August, I'm gathering a small group of people who are ready to sink in.
The Gift of the Open Heart: A Weekend of Receiving is three days of in-person immersive work—limited to 20 participants—in Granada Hills, CA, August 28–30, 2026. We'll turn toward what the mind wants to resist, open the heart to what's here, and discover what becomes available on the other side.
Spots are filling and early bird pricing ends on Monday.
→ You can learn more and sign up here.
If you feel inspired, I hope you'll join me. Life can be so much lighter than we think it can. (Even now—when it seems the world is falling apart.)
Feel free to email me at hello@amberkrzys.com if you have any questions.
With loving,
Amber
P.S. Want to go deeper on today's topic? I wrote more on it here → Stop Chasing Goals
P.P.S. I'm turning 50 soon—in Italy with my dearest friends and family. I can't wait to celebrate this life… this form—new swimsuit, cellulite and all. I'll be on a month-long sabbatical, and during that time I'll be sharing some oldies but goodies with you—past newsletters worth reading again from today's vantage point. I'll be back in your inbox with fresh material starting July 18th. Until then, wishing you an experience of a whole new world of radiant color.
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