A Different Way to Lasting Change
Photo by Getty Images via Unsplash.
Clients often come to us because they want to create change. An external change—more money, weight loss, a loving partnership. Or an internal one—less reactivity, less worry, more confidence, more peace.
At the heart of it, there's a theme: I don't like this. I want something different.
And that's beautiful. Being able to see and articulate that can be clarifying and directional within the coaching itself.
Once that destination is set, all energy tends to move toward creating that change. Building new habits and patterns to bring that future desire into the present. The goal becomes lasting change… a new normal. And until that happens, every dip back into the old pattern can feel like moving in the wrong direction.
This way of relating to change causes us to miss something important.
What Looks Like Regression Is Often Something Else Entirely
What we—and our clients—often label as "I had it and I lost it" or “I know what to do but I'm not doing it" is actually the health of our system at work. It's how the system is caring for itself at the level of consciousness available in that moment.
One of my clients has struggled with emotional eating for years. She has viewed herself as flawed because she can't seem to stop the pattern. She's had seasons when the cycle lessened—when she felt more on top of her health. And recently she's been back in a place of beating herself up for not having the strength or willpower to end it for good.
In the past, I would have agreed with her that the pattern was unhealthy and needed to change. I would have moved us in the direction of shifting the behavior. That's all well and good—except I didn't understand then what I understand now: that pattern, and its persistence, is a way her system is taking care of her.
Having that as my foundation now changes everything about how I work with clients. And it changes how they relate to themselves and their patterns too.
Instead of trying to make it go away or fix it, we bring compassion and curiosity to it. The same way you might bring compassion and curiosity to the first signs of getting sick. That's not failure—that's the health of the system signaling that something is out of balance.
The behavior is the way her system is soothing her. And yes—there are judgments and criticisms about the behavior. But those judgments don't feel as painful as the unconscious beliefs driving her to eat when she isn't hungry.
So the first job in this work is helping her understand that there is nothing wrong with the behavior as it is. I understand it may not be the healthiest choice—but if you can see beyond that for a moment to the simplicity of our design: this is the action available to help her system settle. And our systems want to settle—and will find a way to do that no matter our level of consciousness.
Once she really receives this—once it lands in her body, not just her mind—many of the judgments about the behavior begin to loosen. This is important, because those judgments only add fuel to the fire. They actually distract from the material keeping the pattern alive.
With more space around the pattern, there is naturally more room for curiosity.
And my client is awakening to new discoveries because of this. She is beginning to see how anxiety has been masking feelings of deep loneliness, inadequacy, and grief. More of the unconscious beliefs she's held about herself are making themselves known. And that can be a painful process—which is exactly why the system leaned on the behavior to soothe her in the first place.
Because of what she is now seeing and feeling—and how she is meeting the misunderstanding and the pain at the core—the behavior is naturally shifting. She is noticing more, rather than unconsciously going to the food. That noticing gives her greater choice in the moment. Sometimes she still chooses to indulge. Other times not.
All of that is real progress.
Why Dipping Back Into The Pattern Is Not Off Path
The pattern is a form of protection—likely a well-worn source of safety for years. So of course that path will be more familiar. Of course the system will return to it.
When we judge ourselves or our clients for going back there, we innocently layer in shame. When in truth, that choice was the best option available in that moment.
This is quite different from the improvement model most coaches—and most clients—bring to this work. And it's counter to what most people believe about change.
But when someone really understands this, there is less concern about lasting change—and more openness to the full health and intelligence of the system. Meeting what is continues to be the invitation. And as the misunderstandings we've believed as true begin to dissolve through presence, the system naturally expands. Consciousness evolves. And the behavior falls away without effort—because that form of protection is no longer needed.
It's not that change is bad. Of course transformation is beautiful. It's more that when we hold lasting change as the end sum game rather than as a natural byproduct of the journey—we miss what's actually happening. We miss the information right under our noses. We judge ourselves and our clients for "regressing" when in truth, the revisiting of that behavior was what was most available in that moment to soothe the system.
This understanding makes room for our fullness. It doesn't subtly point to something being wrong with the pattern or behavior. There is compassion for it—an allowing of it. And when we see it this way, there is far less resistance. Far less room for the mind to shift into "something is wrong" mode. Because revisiting the behavior isn't threatening—it's information. Not a mark on worthiness or progress or success. Just the system doing what it knows how to do.
And from that place of less resistance, the heart naturally opens—and with it, greater insight into why the pattern resurfaced, and what the system may need now.
I've lived into this understanding in my own life—including when my migraines resurfaced last year after a long season of relief. I share more about that, and what it revealed, in this video.
And if you'd like to go deeper into the nature of suffering and what this approach actually looks like in practice, I also share a short reflection on Instagram here.
I share both videos because this is an important understanding—one that is quite radical and counter to what most coaches are bringing to their work. I certainly wasn't coming from this place even just a few years ago. And having lived into it for a while now, I can honestly say: this approach is so much more loving. So much more kind. And so much more effective because it's based in truth.
With loving,
Amber
P.S. Enrollment is now open for The School for Humaning Well®—a six-month journey to deepen into exactly this kind of understanding, and to experience firsthand what becomes possible when you stop running on the improvement model and start living from something truer. When you see and feel this shift in your own life, it naturally transfers to your work with clients.
Enroll before October 31st and you'll receive The Pre-School Gathering Sessions—two group calls (in November and December), plus a private 60-minute session with me to use anytime before May 2027.
You can explore the school here or email me here to set up a conversation.
FOR THOSE WHO WANT MORE
Join The Coaching Well Newsletter
A twice-monthly letter, plus e-guide, Coaching Well: Essential Learning for Coaches Ready to Go Deeper, as your welcome gift. This is a free space for reflections, resources, events, and more, all devoted to building from alignment and authenticity.
Enter your information below.
