The Patterns That Repeat
Photo by Getty Images via Unsplash
What judgments, self-criticisms, or doubts come back time and again about your work?
Do you judge yourself as not productive enough?
Do you doubt your ability to make money?
Do you compare your business results to other coaches or even a past version of you?
Where do you get stuck or find yourself repeating a cycle?
Hold that pattern in mind as you read what follows. Because what I'm about to share might help you see it differently.
When the Mind Calls Something a Problem
Recently I was working with a client—who gratefully gave me permission to share their story. A theme that showed up often in our work was their belief that they should be more productive, that they should be taking more action than they were.
They came with evidence. "I block off time to work on my coaching business, but end up doing other things. Or I consistently start an hour later than I planned."
It's as if underneath the story was another story: There's something wrong with me. Please help me fix it.
This isn't unique to this client. We all do this because we all have minds—and that's what minds do. They label, summarize, and conclude. And when the mind concludes there is a problem that needs to be solved, it's easy to believe it.
Here's what happens next: We try to solve the problem at the same level of consciousness that created it. The mind decides what's wrong and also decides the solution. It's a lot of mental output and personal will—which requires enormous effort.
This approach can sometimes produce results. But more often than not, those results don't stick. The pattern disappears for a while, only to resurface again and again.
In my past work with clients, I believed them when they said something was a problem that needed to be fixed. So both of our minds went to work—at that level—to create a change.
And in my work now, I see things very differently.
I know that thought is trying to solve for a feeling—the only way it knows how. By labeling something as a problem and then finding a solution to fix it.
What Real Transformation Requires
If we want real traction and real transformation, we have to go beyond thought. We have to get honest about what's underneath the thought and drop into that felt experience. This allows the energy to move—and the story to dissolve. Here is where a new level of seeing—a new level of consciousness—can show up and effortlessly provide insight on the situation.
When the "I'm not productive enough" story surfaced again with my client, we first looked at external systems—because that's where they wanted to go. Making a game out of showing up for work. Following a ritual before opening their computer. Tracking their minutes and reporting those to me.
With each suggestion, they intuitively knew it wasn't strong enough to break the cycle. Kudos to them.
So we went deeper.
Beyond The Story
I asked how they felt each time this pattern showed up.
"Like a failure," they said. They felt guilt because they'd invested money to grow their business and weren't doing it. They were concerned about their partner's judgment—after all, that money could've gone to something else.
As more of the narrative surfaced, I invited them to tune into their body, into their felt experience. They noticed the places of tightness and softened around those. Little by little, as they shifted out of their imagination—the narrative and images of the mind—and into the present through the body, they began to see so much more.
They actually felt the guilt and the shame instead of narrating those experiences. And that revealed new information.
They saw their pattern of stopping work—whether they were done or not—when their child came home or their partner ended work. The misunderstanding showed: Being there for them is more important than being there for myself.
And then they went even deeper. A memory appeared from when they were younger, the same pattern playing out with their mother.
Suddenly they saw it so clearly, without effort: In order to be loved, I must abandon myself. Others' needs are more important than mine.
I must stop what I want to do. Take care of others. And deplete my energy in the process. Tomorrow, when everyone is out of the house, I can take care of myself. And, usually that takes longer than I think it should so I end up showing up late for work and judging myself for it.
This was the unconscious driver, keeping the cycle in place.
As the client saw this, they felt so much compassion for themselves. Instead of the pattern being a problem to solve, they saw it was the health of their system doing its best to make sure they were loved.
The Type of Shift That Lasts
This is the type of insight that creates a radical shift.
Not because my client won't experience the pattern ever again—they may. But because the pattern that was unconscious (self-preservation through self-abandonment) became conscious. It was brought into the light. Which means they'll likely feel it if it surfaces again and have greater choice in their response, instead of the unconscious pattern running them.
They didn't need to use willpower to force a system to change behavior. Behavior changes naturally with greater clarity.
You don't need a system to remind you not to touch a hot stove. Experience showed you something, and that seeing created the shift.
Now, at the end of their work day, my client can check inside—What feels most aligned?They know their lovability and safety isn't dependent on being with their family the moment they return home. They didn't know that as a child—their lovability was dependent on being available. But that's not the situation they find themselves in today. And because of what they've seen, they can honor the present instead of the past.
And if they forget, they know how to reconnect to truth. Because that is the simplicity of our design. Coming home is always available—and is the way we set ourselves free.
What About Your Pattern?
So I want to come back to you and that pattern you identified at the beginning.
The one you've tried to solve with systems, willpower, and strategies—but it keeps coming back.
What if it's not a problem that needs to be fixed? What if it's your system's innocent attempt to keep you safe or loved or worthy?
And what if the real shift isn't about doing something different, but about seeing something different?
Ironically, when we see differently, we often act differently—without force, will, or effort.
I'm not saying you need to work with a coach to have this kind of insight—though it can certainly help to sit across from someone who knows without a doubt there is nothing wrong with you. That your system is intact and functioning properly. That kind of compassion and holding can support the opening.
What I am saying is this: the next time that familiar pattern shows up, instead of immediately trying to fix it, get curious about it.
What are you actually feeling underneath the narrative? Not the story about the feeling, but the feeling itself in your body.
What's the pattern really trying to protect you from?
The answers might surprise you. And they might just set you free.
With lots of love,
Amber
P.S. If this newsletter resonated with you—especially the part about going beyond thought into felt experience—I invite you to join me at my upcoming workshop, The Gift of the Open Heart: A Weekend of Receiving. Spots are filling. Space is limited to 20 participants. Learn more here. (Early bird pricing ends June 15th)
