Embarrassing? Yes. Worth sharing? 100%!
Photo by Ivan Aleksic via Unsplash.
Let's have some real, human talk today. Some might consider it embarrassing—and I don't care. I'm willing to use my taboo experiences to help highlight truth.
So, buckle your seat…here we go! (Or not. Pun intended! You'll see. 😄)
Last weekend at The School for Humaning Well, I was teaching about meeting our experience as it is—about turning toward discomfort instead of away from it.
And then I shared a story that brought the whole thing to light.
A story about constipation.
I am someone who has historically had issues going to bathroom when traveling. For years bathroom habits have been the priority when on the road, or I become a complete crank—unbearable to be around.
Wouldn't you know that pattern was ready and waiting for me at the silent retreat!
When I woke up the first morning after having not gone for almost two days, I was deeply uncomfortable. My mind so noisy that there was no space to recognize I was in thought. I was living in a mental 💩 storm, if you will.
This is bad.
This always happens.
I hate it.
It's so uncomfortable and robs me of being available to fully participate.
Body, why can't you just cooperate?
My mind immediately went into fix-it mode, creating an entire management system:
"Okay, we'll have coffee at this time. Then we'll go for a walk and practice some yoga headstands. We won't go to the morning sessions, so there's space to go. Let's up the magnesium and other support at night. If we just follow the protocol, we can change this."
I could feel the tightness in my system. The bracing. The urgency to solve the problem.
This is what the mind does when it encounters discomfort of any kind: it diagnoses, it strategizes, it tries to control the situation so we can feel safe again.
I had a flickering moment of recognition: "That's the mind. That's just thought."
But the mind clapped back: "Yes, but I have a history with this. And THIS is how we handle it."
After a couple rounds of this back and forth, it occurred to me:
What is this experience, actually?
Not the story about it. Not what it means. Not the history or the fear.
Just... what is constipation?
So I slowed down.
I dropped into my body.
And I started to notice:
Heavy.
Tight.
Full.
Not spacious.
Not light.
And then—like a door opening—I saw something underneath the discomfort:
A preference.
"I prefer light and spacious.
I prefer going to the bathroom with ease.
I prefer NOT this experience."
Okay. That made sense. Of course I had a preference.
But then, I went even deeper.
I saw I had so many preferences. Not just in this instant, but in every area of my life.
Why?
And suddenly, it became crystal clear:
If I have a preference, I can do something "right."
And if I do it right, then I'm okay.
Then I'm safe.
This is the coping strategy my young mind created years ago to soothe my scared system. And, my system was still utilizing it today.
Do you see what was happening?
The constipation wasn't the problem.
The real issue was the belief underneath it:
"If I'm constipated, I'm doing something wrong. And if I'm doing something wrong, I'm not safe."
Safety had become conditional.
It was something I had to earn by nailing the preference and getting things "right."
And, in this case, when my body didn't follow the script? The fear kicked in.
I'm not safe. Something's wrong. I have to fix this.
Seeing this changed everything.
When I met the experience as it actually was—without the mind's interpretation—it was... fine.
Not pleasant. But also not unpleasant.
There was heaviness in my body. Tightness and fullness in my intestines.
But nothing wrong. Nothing bad.
Just sensation itself.
In that moment of pure presence, I felt something I hadn't been able to feel through all the mental managing:
The safety that's inherent within me.
Not the conditional safety I'd been chasing—the kind you have to earn by doing things right.
The unconditional safety that's available in every moment, no matter what's happening in the body, or life.
I'm talking about connecting to the Big Love that holds it all.
In that space? The discomfort dissolved.
Not the sensations—those were still there.
But the suffering the mind created around those sensations? Gone.
As my body settled, my mind settled.
So did my digestive system.
Within the hour, I went to the bathroom.
This isn't just a story about constipation.
It's a story about what happens when we stop fighting our experience and meet it with presence instead.
Layer by layer, we drop deeper:
Layer 1: Discomfort and frustration show up first. They are the feedback that let you know your system is scared. That there is a misunderstanding being lived as true.
"I don't like this experience."
Layer 2: The mind kicks in to save you and move you away from the discomfort. It develops a story based on past experience.
"Here's what this means. Here's how we fix it."
Layer 3: When you see the narrative pulling you away, invite yourself to get present. To go beyond the mind and into the body. Notice and feel the tightness in the system—if that's available in the moment.
The body responding to the mental resistance
Layer 4: As your system settles, you may see more of the threads of the misbelief propping up the narrative. For me this first revelation was seeing that my mind had a preference . It was comparing current experience to past—and making me a failure in the process.
"I want ease, not this."
Layer 5: If it's possible let yourself settle even more and be with what was just revealed. Continue to open your heart to the present. If more is ready to be seen, it will be shown. For me this was the discovery that I had a pattern of preferences everywhere in my life.
"If I have a preference, I can do it right."
Layer 6: Let yourself keep dropping deeper, again, if it's available. If there is more conditioning to show itself, it will all on its own. Here is where I saw the root of the conditional safety pattern—the core misunderstanding my system believed.
"If I do it right, then I'm safe."
And finally—Layer 7: As you stay with your direct experience, at some point, you may connect with the Is-ness itself. Pure Presence. Big Love. Inherent Safety.
From here, the conditioning—whatever it was made of—dissolves. And we remember:
We were always okay.
Your layers will look different from mine. What you discover as you drop deeper will be unique to your conditioning, your history, your system.
But at the root? At the root is always Pure Love.
So the next time you find yourself in a storm—whether it's about your body, your schedule, a relationship, or anything else—try this:
Pause.
Get curious.
What is this experience, actually?
Not the story about it. Not what it means.
Just... what's here right now? The felt experience.
Turn attention to the body.
Stay with that, as you are able, and go deeper into the layers.
Remember, Love is waiting for you always. And, it's available to experience as your system is ready to receive it.
Practicing this process can help.
With loving (and a bit of humor),
Amber
P.S. The story I shared today happened at a silent retreat—and what unfolded there continues to inform my way of being and living in radical ways. If you'd like to explore this work more deeply, I'm hosting a free gathering on Thursday, March 26th called Silence Speaks: An Evening of Direct Experience, Profound Insight, and Coming Home. We'll dive into the difference between imagination and direct experience, practice together, and explore what becomes available when we slow down to the speed of life. Learn more and register here.
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